Parents every year are summoned to celebrate the holiday season and revel in their offspring’s mediocre (but often adorable) talent. Moms make last minute trips to department stores to buy fancy special occasion clothing and shoes that will only be worn a few times. Dads quickly ransack the house looking for camera and video chargers. Kids are too excited and nervous to eat. Yes, you guessed it - I am talking about the annual elementary school Christmas program.
I have sat through over 50 school performances over the past 10 years. This includes not only the Christmas programs, but also the spring, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Thanksgiving programs. If we threw in all the preschool/elementary/middle/high school graduations, talent shows and school plays that number would be closer to 75. I consider my husband and I school program frequent flyers.
Christmas programs are my favorites. Not only do they provide another event where my kids can wear their overpriced taffeta dress and scratchy polyester pants to, but they never fail to provide great entertainment. “They” are the spectators who attend these events.
Below I have listed a few of my favorites:
The Disengaged Teenager
This member of the audience is often a very unwilling participant. They have been forced to attend this event because: A) Their parents want them to show support for their younger sibling or B) If left at home, they would most likely get into trouble. If you could read their mind, you would learn that they are desperately searching for a fork to stick in their eyeball to break the monotony. If they have some freedom (or they have made their parents so miserable that they release them) you can see them wandering around the back of the auditorium and meeting up with a group of other teenagers dressed up in their festive attire of hoodies and jeans.
Last night, I saw one. She was about 12 or 13, dressed in a silver sequined tank, tight jeans and high heeled boots. She had full make-up, hair done and was sporting a nice fake designer glittery bag. We saw her continually pacing around the gymnasium, appearing as if she had somewhere important to go after the program was over. Perhaps the red light district?
The Camera Hog
This guy (or gal) is the one lugging 2 huge bags of camera equipment and a tripod. He is moving around the room holding a tremendously large and expensive camera taking pictures in various positions: sitting, standing, standing on a chair, on one knee, on both knees, squatting, crouching, leaning to one side, bending over, on tiptoes or laying on the ground. He is concerned with capturing as many angles of his wonder child as possible, because these pictures are going to be featured in People magazine. Most likely these shots will remain on the memory card not to be seen again until 2025.
We saw a remarkable specimen the other night. He wore a tight t-shirt that tightly hugged his stomach as it cascaded over the top of his jeans. He was everywhere, and when I didn’t see him I assumed he was lurching underneath a chair or hanging from the ceiling. I am sure his best shot was the one he took holding the camera up high above his head while those around him found out if he wore deodorant or not.
The Fanatical Parent
These are my favorites. They flail their arms about, practically having a conversation with their kid from their seat. They are beaming with ridiculous pride as if their daughter or son has made it to Broadway. These parents are more likely to have a child below the 3rd grade, because (let’s be honest) the cute factor peaks in the preschool-1st grade range. The entire extended family, including relatives flown in from Florida, take up about 2 rows for this 1 hour show (of which their child appears 10 minutes). These are the types of parents who definitely have a child-centered household. You gotta love these newbies – they are so darn cute. It’s hard to resist the temptation to explain the hell of adolescence that awaits them.
Last night I saw a new warped variety of the fanatical parent that I did not like. In the 4th row of the audience, a mother did all the arm and hand motions while standing up, blocking the view from those behind her. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to sedate her or throw a shoe at her.
The Rude Ones
It continually amazes me that in this day and age, many people have not figured out how to behave at a school event. Has everyone forgotten their manners? Or are we so self absorbed that the consideration of others is an afterthought? My husband would say that it’s because the Democrats are in charge and that whole “entitlement” attitude has taken over. Parents are the main culprits, of course. It’s always an eye-opener for the teachers when they can witness for themselves where Johnny gets his obnoxious tendencies from.
I have seen it all:
· Parents who continually talk in loud voices
· Parents who insist on bringing their cranky and noisy infants/toddlers to an event they don’t care about and will never remember
· Teenagers who get out of their seat and come back about 100 times
· Parents who don’t remember to turn off their cellphone ringer
· Parents who talk on their cellphone (at the most recent event I attended on Thursday a father actually stood up in the 2nd row during the 1st grade song while talking on his cellphone. It is at that moment I realized I needed to bring more shoes with me to these things)
· Teachers who stand right in front of your kid while they perform
· Kids who like to kick the back of your chair
· Parents who come to the event drunk
· People who bring their handbag dog
· Single moms who flirt with married men
· Parents who do not wear deodorant (see Camera Hog)
· People who wear ridiculous big hair or hats and sit right in front of you
· Parents who continually lean over you to talk to the person sitting next to you during the show
· Parents who walk out before the entire program is over (this is excusable in emergencies, but I can assure you that rushing home in time to watch the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t qualify)
I do really try to concentrate on the show, honest I do. But if I can’t for some reason I can always view the video later :-)
